[ xie lian is! not expecting this. he frowns, looking at sholmes; san lang, ferret formed on xie lian's shoulder, also glances and just sort of regards him, for a long moment.
... and eventually, xie lian shakes his head. ]
...It is nothing, Mr. Sholmes. It is as I said - our viewpoints are just inherently different.
...You said that you simply could not trust anyone else about Mr. Kotetsu. In doing so, you have caused more problems for those who had those roles - and by seeking them out, you then caused them even more trouble, putting them directly in danger. Because you refused to trust me, and instead insisted upon becoming involved on your own, you did cause direct harm to the Watchers - even after admitting that you heard about what happened when Mr. Van Zieks had caused them to be punished directly in front of us. We have already discussed this. I will not continue to heap it upon you.
However. I cannot, ever, say that there is one person that I would value above all others enough to put others in danger, Mr. Sholmes. And I did not appreciate the way your reasoning to me was if I was a fussy child who simply had not experienced such powerful emotions. You of all people are more than aware of the things that I have lost.
[He listens to it all, and nods, placing a hand on his abdomen, where it continues to bleed.]
I have made many grave mistakes along this journey, Xie Lian. I have worked on assumptions, and made theories based on snippets of information. I thought, hearing about Van Zieks's statement, that roles were to be kept in private, not in public. In private, surely, there would be no harm done, and the Watchers would be left in peace. I made a mistake, too, with Mr. Escardos, in making him reveal his role. I didn't know anything. Kotetsu had said roles could be shared with a select few, but I didn't know...it came at a cost, beyond those few, and Mr. Escardos had simply told me he had been sharing himself with other roles with no consequence. But when Mr. Lowell told me of it weeks later, it opened my eyes, and I swear, I swear to the heavens I didn't even breathe a word of it since. I realized it was not my role to perform.
[He shakes his head, shuddering.]
I am sorry. I-I never wanted, at any point, to put anyone in danger. Not long before I came here, I made a mistake, and someone I was watching over died. I wasn't careful enough. And it was...one of the greatest failures I had ever experienced. I was afraid. I didn't want to lose Kotetsu to anyone who may be compulsed and have gone after him to take out an ally for us all. You were someone gathering information outside of the roles that knew a lot of them, like I, and it made me uncomfortable to share too much information with you that may have caused harm to others, as Mr. Lowell made me painfully aware. That was the only reason. I simply didn't want to use a middleman, even one I liked as much as you.
[....]
I never meant to disrespect you, either. I know. I know what you've been through. It was merely an appeal to empathy, nothing more, so my wording was quite poor. So please, my dear fellow, forgive me. I have been in the dark, and I did actions that I thought would never put anyone in danger. But I did, and that is on my conscience. I would never put one person above others to put them in danger. I did it, in my mind, to keep him and everyone safe, because everyone here is my priority. But look at what I have wrought. A terrible, terrible thing indeed.
[ ultimately, xie lian is a soft person. a bleeding heart. he listens to this apology, and is quiet for a little while afterwards, as he is digesting everything that was said.
and eventually, softly: ]
...Part of the reason that I even knew many roles is because they were willing to put their faith in me. Not because I ever sought them out, or searched for them - but because their trust was carefully placed in my hands. I think - even in this place - it would have done you good to be willing to offer them the same.
I see your caution, and your fear, and I cannot fault you for caring for your own. It is human to care for those closest to us, and to protect them above all else, especially after a great loss. But even so... working alone is what causes the very divisions and strife that this place wants to put upon us. I don't think you had ill intentions, either. But, I have learned perhaps more than any that actions, no matter well intentioned, can sometimes have terrible consequences.
[ a fallen kingdom. a desperate plague victim, screaming for relief that he grants, as three more rise in their place. a hat full of rain water, desperately running from nation to nation in hopes of saving every life possible.
every action has a consequence. every path is not so easily lit. sometimes, there is no third path to bust through. ]
... I accept your apology, but... truly, it is not me you should apologize to. It is the Watchers - the Celestials, in particular. Suriel and Shamsiel will surely accept it immediately, but Baraqiel is fiercely protective of them and the things they have been through, and takes each harm to them as personally as anyone can. Perhaps he will consider performed actions more of an apology than your words, but it is a start nonetheless.
[ ...
his brow creases, and then... xie lian gives sholmes a small, tired smile, that doesn't quite reach his eyes. ]
...Though, were I to ever value another soul more than any... your reach for empathy was rather cruel, because I did understand the emotions that you spoke of, and you harmed that person directly with your actions. So... please, instead of pleading for my empathy or my forgiveness, next time, I just ask that you think before you act - or at least be willing to speak with someone about it and listen to them, before you do.
[There's a lot here to parse, to think through. He just stands and takes it all.]
[What does he all to all of that?]
I'm a great detective. I solve mysteries, and crime. I bring loved ones home. I give families peace. But I don't know, Xie Lian. It's harder than you say. To trust means to show that there's a human being behind the figure. That there's simply a man there, who can make mistakes. Who can be vulnerable. If people knew that, they'd lose faith in me. So, I am happy to keep playing the part to my fullest.
[It's lonely. It's terribly lonely. He has a few around him, but to most of the world, even with his biographies, he's just a character.]
Believe me, I have already reached out to several even before coming to you. Though...I am shocked that none of them breathed a word about it. Shamsiel in particular...they have never said a word. How is it that I'm only learning about it now...? Did Baraqiel tell you...? Kotetsu speaks with the Watchers all the time, and he never said anything...
[He's sincerely asking. He would have made amends sooner. Switched things around. Made sure his actions were just. So to hear it so suddenly from someone like Xie Lian is...]
I...I don't understand, though. Which person? Kotetsu? We...agreed on all of this together. He was incredibly hesitant on sharing his role for all this time. It was I who encouraged him to meet with you all, even after Mr. Lowell found him. [His eyes are blinking with tears.] So yes, I agree with most of what you say. And I will take more precautions going ahead in the future. But be cruel to Kotetsu? Never. I'd rather die for that.
I've told you before, that you are more than just a detective. You are a human being. [ he frowns, and says this rather bluntly. xie lian, in a nutshell. ] You have just told me that you've made mistakes, so you have no need to continue the farce of only being a detective. Besides - we have failed at solving a crime even this week.
[ So There ]
And I'm not sure what you mean. About apologizing? Or about the roles? I asked Baraqiel for advice, when Flat came to me - I didn't know what to do, because he came to me very, very early, and I wanted to ensure I helped him as much as possible. He insinuated that the roles could be shared even less than the teams - so I was able to deduce it was two.
[ the final part gets him to pause, and he shakes his head. ]
...no, Mr. Sholmes. You misunderstand me. [ a little wryly. ] The person who was harmed was Baraqiel. And I cannot overstate to you how precious that he is to me.
I don't feel like a human being, now. I don't even feel like a detective. I feel like a stain.
[He says, bluntly in return, trying to collect his emotions. Throw them in the trash.]
And...about the roles. About anything. I talked with them only last week. They never breathed a word to me. And they know very well what is between me and Kotetsu. They could have said it so easily, told me off for my actions, and if not me, then Kotetsu, and he could have told me at any point in time to stop. I found out about Flat several weeks ago, and since...
[He just...looks so confused right now.]
...Xie Lian. What did Baraqiel state to you, specifically? Was it specifically I who caused them harm? Or in general, someone sharing roles? I understand. Your beloved has been deeply harmed. But I need to know. Please.
… there is really no sense in beating yourself up over it further - this is why I didn’t have any interest in sharing… [ xie lian mumbles this, but it’s a little fussy as he trails off. ] What is done is done, and… wallowing in it will not help you or anyone move forward. [ another hard lesson, xie lian had to learn. ]
There are still many who have faith in you. And even if there weren’t, there is at least one - Mr. Kotetsu certainly does. Take that faith and let it strengthen you. It is at least a start.
[ but. okay. ]
…Baraqiel would never tell me that he has been in pain. He would sooner hide it from me, no matter how much I ask him about it - and we are close. He is not one to let anyone in, and the only reason we are even close is… well. A story for another time.
So, no. I learned of the limit of two through insinuation and deduction; then, I was there, when Flat told a second person. So, finding out that you knew of his, after seeing what Mr. Van Zieks’ speech did to the Watchers - I put together the clues on my own. I don’t think they can truly tell us much unless we ask for it.
As for learning of the roles, themselves; I did not ask until Flat told me he was seeking my help because he didn’t know what to do, and I was told very little. The others - Flat and I worked together to find Mr. Nero. Yuri told me - our experience in the catacombs helped us build an incredibly tight bond of trust, and I mentioned to him that I was seeking the way I mentioned to you- only in the vaguest of hints, and nothing beyond that. I was the only one that knew in each case, all because they shared of their own volition.
I advised Flat not to tell anyone else, but from how it sounds, he felt somewhat cornered into telling you.
I'm not wallowing in it. I asked for your feelings, and I appreciate them, and despite my regrets, none of this will stop me from moving forward. Nothing ever does. I shall not help all of you by being waylaid to the side.
[And yes. Kotetsu needs him.]
...So you have mastered my method, my dear fellow of deduction. [A brief smile, a light smile, and its gone.] But...I see. Did Flat know there was a two person limit at the time he shared it with me? I admit, I pressed him hard, and that was on me, yes, but...I didn't know about any limits, and if the young man didn't know...
[He frowns.]
Kotetsu didn't know there was a limit, himself, for all this time. So I wonder.
he just frowns, a little, worrying at his lip, but... if you say so, sholmes... ]
I only know what I was able to put together, and even then, it was never truly confirmed - as I said, I advised him not to speak to anyone else beyond myself and the other person without confirming that it was alright with a Watcher. You truly must ask them directly to know things, and they are limited even then in what they can and can't tell.
As for what Flat did or didn't know - that, I am unsure of. You would have to speak with him.
[ after that, xie lian sighs. ] I truly do not have anything else to tell you. I'm sorry.
...The true fault, above all of this, lies with this wretched game keeping us in the shadows. We're moving chess pieces in the dark. Of course, making mistakes that would hurt the Watchers would be most beneficial to our enemies.
[Like, he still did Bad with Flat and he knows that, but if Flat simply didn't know until later that he couldn't share with more than two...then this is just a really overhead umbrella of a mess on top of it all.]
[He pinches the bridge of his nose, fixing the other with a serious look.]
By the way...I would talk to Kotetsu again. Apologize to him again, one on one. What you said right now, it's all very good. And I sincerely acknowledge my faults. But there is something that rings slightly hypocritical to me. Kotetsu came to me and said that you had been pushing him hard, trying to get him to admit he had a role. I understand you said before that you had simply used the same words you had used with me. And maybe that was the case. But Kotetsu was most uncomfortable with your line of questioning, as he had been prepared to keep the secret of his role with the other roles, and the other roles alone.
[A slow exhale.]
And now, you have become inadvertently become his second and last person he has put his trust in, because of that meeting we had earlier, and he wasn't aware of the two person limit before he agreed to it. What if he had talked to someone else, trusted the knowledge of this role with someone else, before this meeting? You would have become the third person to know of his role, and hurt your beloved by your own hands. And on top of that, you took Kotetsu's choice from him without his full understanding. Your intentions are wholly good, my dear fellow, this I will never deny. But you have wandered a bit into the dark careless territories of mistakes where I stand.
[He shakes his head.]
But that's enough. I will not talk for him any more. Let him speak for himself. All I ask is...please. Talk to Kotetsu again. And let Mr. Lowell know that everyone must be on the same page in terms of information like the two person limit among his company. It cannot and will not happen again.
I would ask that you do not take that tone with me again.
For the record - your argument doesn't make sense, because I did not ask to be invited, today. I was included based on Yuri's judgement. You may take your complaints up with him.
I am happy to speak with Mr. Kotetsu, as I was planning on doing so anyway. I have no interest in speaking with you about this any longer. You asked for my forgiveness. You have it. Good night.
[ and with that, he is turning on his heel and leaving. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... and eventually, xie lian shakes his head. ]
...It is nothing, Mr. Sholmes. It is as I said - our viewpoints are just inherently different.
no subject
[And he stares at him for a moment.]
Please. As I said. With what do you disagree with?
no subject
[ after a brief pause.]
...You said that you simply could not trust anyone else about Mr. Kotetsu. In doing so, you have caused more problems for those who had those roles - and by seeking them out, you then caused them even more trouble, putting them directly in danger. Because you refused to trust me, and instead insisted upon becoming involved on your own, you did cause direct harm to the Watchers - even after admitting that you heard about what happened when Mr. Van Zieks had caused them to be punished directly in front of us. We have already discussed this. I will not continue to heap it upon you.
However. I cannot, ever, say that there is one person that I would value above all others enough to put others in danger, Mr. Sholmes. And I did not appreciate the way your reasoning to me was if I was a fussy child who simply had not experienced such powerful emotions. You of all people are more than aware of the things that I have lost.
no subject
[He listens to it all, and nods, placing a hand on his abdomen, where it continues to bleed.]
I have made many grave mistakes along this journey, Xie Lian. I have worked on assumptions, and made theories based on snippets of information. I thought, hearing about Van Zieks's statement, that roles were to be kept in private, not in public. In private, surely, there would be no harm done, and the Watchers would be left in peace. I made a mistake, too, with Mr. Escardos, in making him reveal his role. I didn't know anything. Kotetsu had said roles could be shared with a select few, but I didn't know...it came at a cost, beyond those few, and Mr. Escardos had simply told me he had been sharing himself with other roles with no consequence. But when Mr. Lowell told me of it weeks later, it opened my eyes, and I swear, I swear to the heavens I didn't even breathe a word of it since. I realized it was not my role to perform.
[He shakes his head, shuddering.]
I am sorry. I-I never wanted, at any point, to put anyone in danger. Not long before I came here, I made a mistake, and someone I was watching over died. I wasn't careful enough. And it was...one of the greatest failures I had ever experienced. I was afraid. I didn't want to lose Kotetsu to anyone who may be compulsed and have gone after him to take out an ally for us all. You were someone gathering information outside of the roles that knew a lot of them, like I, and it made me uncomfortable to share too much information with you that may have caused harm to others, as Mr. Lowell made me painfully aware. That was the only reason. I simply didn't want to use a middleman, even one I liked as much as you.
[....]
I never meant to disrespect you, either. I know. I know what you've been through. It was merely an appeal to empathy, nothing more, so my wording was quite poor. So please, my dear fellow, forgive me. I have been in the dark, and I did actions that I thought would never put anyone in danger. But I did, and that is on my conscience. I would never put one person above others to put them in danger. I did it, in my mind, to keep him and everyone safe, because everyone here is my priority. But look at what I have wrought. A terrible, terrible thing indeed.
no subject
and eventually, softly: ]
...Part of the reason that I even knew many roles is because they were willing to put their faith in me. Not because I ever sought them out, or searched for them - but because their trust was carefully placed in my hands. I think - even in this place - it would have done you good to be willing to offer them the same.
I see your caution, and your fear, and I cannot fault you for caring for your own. It is human to care for those closest to us, and to protect them above all else, especially after a great loss. But even so... working alone is what causes the very divisions and strife that this place wants to put upon us. I don't think you had ill intentions, either. But, I have learned perhaps more than any that actions, no matter well intentioned, can sometimes have terrible consequences.
[ a fallen kingdom. a desperate plague victim, screaming for relief that he grants, as three more rise in their place. a hat full of rain water, desperately running from nation to nation in hopes of saving every life possible.
every action has a consequence. every path is not so easily lit. sometimes, there is no third path to bust through. ]
... I accept your apology, but... truly, it is not me you should apologize to. It is the Watchers - the Celestials, in particular. Suriel and Shamsiel will surely accept it immediately, but Baraqiel is fiercely protective of them and the things they have been through, and takes each harm to them as personally as anyone can. Perhaps he will consider performed actions more of an apology than your words, but it is a start nonetheless.
[ ...
his brow creases, and then... xie lian gives sholmes a small, tired smile, that doesn't quite reach his eyes. ]
...Though, were I to ever value another soul more than any... your reach for empathy was rather cruel, because I did understand the emotions that you spoke of, and you harmed that person directly with your actions. So... please, instead of pleading for my empathy or my forgiveness, next time, I just ask that you think before you act - or at least be willing to speak with someone about it and listen to them, before you do.
That's all.
no subject
[What does he all to all of that?]
I'm a great detective. I solve mysteries, and crime. I bring loved ones home. I give families peace. But I don't know, Xie Lian. It's harder than you say. To trust means to show that there's a human being behind the figure. That there's simply a man there, who can make mistakes. Who can be vulnerable. If people knew that, they'd lose faith in me. So, I am happy to keep playing the part to my fullest.
[It's lonely. It's terribly lonely. He has a few around him, but to most of the world, even with his biographies, he's just a character.]
Believe me, I have already reached out to several even before coming to you. Though...I am shocked that none of them breathed a word about it. Shamsiel in particular...they have never said a word. How is it that I'm only learning about it now...? Did Baraqiel tell you...? Kotetsu speaks with the Watchers all the time, and he never said anything...
[He's sincerely asking. He would have made amends sooner. Switched things around. Made sure his actions were just. So to hear it so suddenly from someone like Xie Lian is...]
I...I don't understand, though. Which person? Kotetsu? We...agreed on all of this together. He was incredibly hesitant on sharing his role for all this time. It was I who encouraged him to meet with you all, even after Mr. Lowell found him. [His eyes are blinking with tears.] So yes, I agree with most of what you say. And I will take more precautions going ahead in the future. But be cruel to Kotetsu? Never. I'd rather die for that.
no subject
[ So There ]
And I'm not sure what you mean. About apologizing? Or about the roles? I asked Baraqiel for advice, when Flat came to me - I didn't know what to do, because he came to me very, very early, and I wanted to ensure I helped him as much as possible. He insinuated that the roles could be shared even less than the teams - so I was able to deduce it was two.
[ the final part gets him to pause, and he shakes his head. ]
...no, Mr. Sholmes. You misunderstand me. [ a little wryly. ] The person who was harmed was Baraqiel. And I cannot overstate to you how precious that he is to me.
no subject
[He says, bluntly in return, trying to collect his emotions. Throw them in the trash.]
And...about the roles. About anything. I talked with them only last week. They never breathed a word to me. And they know very well what is between me and Kotetsu. They could have said it so easily, told me off for my actions, and if not me, then Kotetsu, and he could have told me at any point in time to stop. I found out about Flat several weeks ago, and since...
[He just...looks so confused right now.]
...Xie Lian. What did Baraqiel state to you, specifically? Was it specifically I who caused them harm? Or in general, someone sharing roles? I understand. Your beloved has been deeply harmed. But I need to know. Please.
no subject
… there is really no sense in beating yourself up over it further - this is why I didn’t have any interest in sharing… [ xie lian mumbles this, but it’s a little fussy as he trails off. ] What is done is done, and… wallowing in it will not help you or anyone move forward. [ another hard lesson, xie lian had to learn. ]
There are still many who have faith in you. And even if there weren’t, there is at least one - Mr. Kotetsu certainly does. Take that faith and let it strengthen you. It is at least a start.
[ but. okay. ]
…Baraqiel would never tell me that he has been in pain. He would sooner hide it from me, no matter how much I ask him about it - and we are close. He is not one to let anyone in, and the only reason we are even close is… well. A story for another time.
So, no. I learned of the limit of two through insinuation and deduction; then, I was there, when Flat told a second person. So, finding out that you knew of his, after seeing what Mr. Van Zieks’ speech did to the Watchers - I put together the clues on my own. I don’t think they can truly tell us much unless we ask for it.
As for learning of the roles, themselves; I did not ask until Flat told me he was seeking my help because he didn’t know what to do, and I was told very little. The others - Flat and I worked together to find Mr. Nero. Yuri told me - our experience in the catacombs helped us build an incredibly tight bond of trust, and I mentioned to him that I was seeking the way I mentioned to you- only in the vaguest of hints, and nothing beyond that. I was the only one that knew in each case, all because they shared of their own volition.
I advised Flat not to tell anyone else, but from how it sounds, he felt somewhat cornered into telling you.
no subject
I'm not wallowing in it. I asked for your feelings, and I appreciate them, and despite my regrets, none of this will stop me from moving forward. Nothing ever does. I shall not help all of you by being waylaid to the side.
[And yes. Kotetsu needs him.]
...So you have mastered my method, my dear fellow of deduction. [A brief smile, a light smile, and its gone.] But...I see. Did Flat know there was a two person limit at the time he shared it with me? I admit, I pressed him hard, and that was on me, yes, but...I didn't know about any limits, and if the young man didn't know...
[He frowns.]
Kotetsu didn't know there was a limit, himself, for all this time. So I wonder.
no subject
he just frowns, a little, worrying at his lip, but... if you say so, sholmes... ]
I only know what I was able to put together, and even then, it was never truly confirmed - as I said, I advised him not to speak to anyone else beyond myself and the other person without confirming that it was alright with a Watcher. You truly must ask them directly to know things, and they are limited even then in what they can and can't tell.
As for what Flat did or didn't know - that, I am unsure of. You would have to speak with him.
[ after that, xie lian sighs. ] I truly do not have anything else to tell you. I'm sorry.
no subject
[Like, he still did Bad with Flat and he knows that, but if Flat simply didn't know until later that he couldn't share with more than two...then this is just a really overhead umbrella of a mess on top of it all.]
[He pinches the bridge of his nose, fixing the other with a serious look.]
By the way...I would talk to Kotetsu again. Apologize to him again, one on one. What you said right now, it's all very good. And I sincerely acknowledge my faults. But there is something that rings slightly hypocritical to me. Kotetsu came to me and said that you had been pushing him hard, trying to get him to admit he had a role. I understand you said before that you had simply used the same words you had used with me. And maybe that was the case. But Kotetsu was most uncomfortable with your line of questioning, as he had been prepared to keep the secret of his role with the other roles, and the other roles alone.
[A slow exhale.]
And now, you have become inadvertently become his second and last person he has put his trust in, because of that meeting we had earlier, and he wasn't aware of the two person limit before he agreed to it. What if he had talked to someone else, trusted the knowledge of this role with someone else, before this meeting? You would have become the third person to know of his role, and hurt your beloved by your own hands. And on top of that, you took Kotetsu's choice from him without his full understanding. Your intentions are wholly good, my dear fellow, this I will never deny. But you have wandered a bit into the dark careless territories of mistakes where I stand.
[He shakes his head.]
But that's enough. I will not talk for him any more. Let him speak for himself. All I ask is...please. Talk to Kotetsu again. And let Mr. Lowell know that everyone must be on the same page in terms of information like the two person limit among his company. It cannot and will not happen again.
no subject
I would ask that you do not take that tone with me again.
For the record - your argument doesn't make sense, because I did not ask to be invited, today. I was included based on Yuri's judgement. You may take your complaints up with him.
I am happy to speak with Mr. Kotetsu, as I was planning on doing so anyway. I have no interest in speaking with you about this any longer. You asked for my forgiveness. You have it. Good night.
[ and with that, he is turning on his heel and leaving. ]
no subject
[But he doesn't continue.]
[He just holds a hand to his eyes for a moment, shoulders shuddering...]
[And then he turns as well, but helplessly, now.]
[He can't linger on this.]
[He just needs to keep going on for all of their futures.]