PC CATCHALL FOR VAN ZIEKS

[greatdeduction]

Comments

[winebar]

What's your point?

[greatdeduction]

I'm sure the Lieutenant has. Well, to put it rather bluntly, a life outside of work.

[winebar]

I never said he didn't. That does not mean he has aberrant interests.

[greatdeduction]

...

Have you asked?

[winebar]

Of course not. And if you need me to explain the multiple reasons why then you're an even bigger fool than I thought you to be.

[greatdeduction]

Oh, are you going to say it's improper to ask a man what he likes to do? What's next? Am I going to ask you about your favorite works of art and send you into a coma from the sheer gall of it?

[winebar]

I am saying it's improper to ask a man if he enjoys the company of other men, Sholmes!

[STOP BEING OBTUSE!]

[greatdeduction]

I wasn't talking about that already! We've moved on from this homosexual agenda, you dolt! I thought when you said "aberrant interests" it meant "regular hobbies" because apparently, you have none-!

[winebar]

[This is the most non-ominously indignant van Zieks has ever been.]

I- have plenty of hobbies! It is not my fault you made such a ridiculous assumption! It should have been obvious I was referring to that when I said aberrant"!

[greatdeduction]

Oh, really?

Name one hobby.

[...]

And it can't be drinking wine!

[winebar]

I don't just drink wine. I also personally source most of the vintages myself.

[greatdeduction]

What is that supposed to mean? Do you get in the vineyards and stomp the grapes yourself?

[winebar]

I do go to the vineyards. But very few people still press their grapes with such antiquated methods.

[If you went to vineyards like me you would know that.]

[greatdeduction]

[not everyone is a wine uncle like you, karen von zieks.]

So...you're a wine expert.

Any other hobbies?

[winebar]

Bat husbandry.

[He just says this like it's normal.]

[greatdeduction]

[STARES AT HIM FOR. A WHILE]

You. Breed bats.

[winebar]

A family took up residence in my office and I decided to keep them.

[And he complains people think he's a vampire.]

[greatdeduction]

And you complain about people thinking you're a vampire.

[ganks that meta text thanks]

...Do they have names?

[winebar]

... They might.

[greatdeduction]

What are their names?

[winebar]

I hardly think that information is relevant.

[greatdeduction]

It is. Let us hear them, if you would please.

[winebar]

[......]

The parents are named Edmund and Octavia. Currently, they have five children. The children are named Klint, Tobias, Henrietta, Courtney, and Suzette.

[Please assume that his late parents' names were Edmund and Octavia, if you think Sholmes would know it.]

[greatdeduction]

[He was going to assume they were named REALLY POSH NOBLE NAMES and he was partially right, but...]

[Hm.]

They sound like a lovely family.

[winebar]

[Sometimes you are just very sad and lonely and have no imagination.]

I've grown quite fond of them. They are fascinating creatures, and surprisingly companionable. I've noted distinct personalities in each one. Even what sort of fruit they prefer. And of course there's never a single insect to be found in my office.